Reciprocity - The Give and Take in Relationship Building Part 1

I woke up feeling as sexy as Beyonce today and was humming her song, "Put a  Ring On It". If you know it, sing along! If you're unfamiliar, google it. Anyway,  part of the chorus goes like this: 

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, o-ohh  

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it 

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it 

I like it. It's peppy, it makes me feel like dancing, and it has attitude. Plus, it speaks  to me about love gone wrong and reciprocity. Two things that, if off balance, can  totally screw up any relationship. 

In the '80s, I dated this guy who was so cheap that he gave me one layer of Toffifee  chocolates. He wrapped it up in Christmas paper and handed it to me like it was  surely gold bars inside but nope, just one layer of the chocolates. I wondered if he  was saving the second layer for the following year. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's the  thought that counts, but there were other factors at work here. I thought that I was a  good girlfriend and deserved more. Not more chocolates, but more thoughtfulness, more respect. It was a red flag in our relationship (one of many) and part of the  reason for our ultimate demise. It felt good to leave him, and he didn’t know what  he had until I was gone. Cheap bastard.

There is a definite expectation for reciprocity in all relationships. It's a way of  acknowledging and respecting one another. It's the give and take in a relationship.  Indigenous Peoples have traded much, for a very long time, and continue to do so.

I was schooled in this by a Councilor at the Muskoday First Nation. We were  having a meeting which included getting to hang out with each other for lunch. I  complimented her on her earrings, saying, "I love those earrings!" Then she took  them off and gave them to me and wouldn't let me return them come hell or high  water! It was only our second meeting, so we didn’t know each other very well  and, believe me, it was awkward. Very, very awkward. Thankfully, we have since  laughed about this lesson and it is one that I treasure. I learned to compliment  differently and pass the admiration onto the person by saying something like, "You look great in those earrings!" This cultural belief is not pan-Indigenous, but it is a good rule of thumb to follow every chance you get. Plus, now you can’t say that you weren’t warned. 

Reciprocity in terms of honoraria is a cultural must. This is often the case when an  Indigenous person is sharing knowledge. Honoraria is a monetary gift – a way of  saying thank you. This, coupled with traditional gifting, can sometimes be a bit  confusing. I get asked about this a lot. Who receives it? How much? Does it have  to be cash? Can I eTransfer? Is this a write-off? Who delivers it?

Missing the mark on reciprocity in not conducive to relationship building. I heard  an Elder once say in complete frustration, "You guys want to keep taking Our  knowledge and what do we get?" She wasn't talking about honoraria, she was  talking about seeing change. She felt that she had been sharing knowledge  repetitively for no good reason, other than having her time wasted. Conversely,  I’ve heard Industry’s concern about financial reciprocity, “We gave the First Nation money for a new baseball diamond (for example), but it hasn’t been built. Where did the money go?” 

The give and take in relationships is necessary and it takes many forms. Remember that cheap loser I mentioned? It’s the same thing. Reciprocity can be frustrating and not at all motivating for either party.

To learn more on tuning into your own ‘Beyonce-ness’ and how to properly put a  ring on your relationship building efforts, give Auntie a call!